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lost in the cosmos

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Hello [07 Jun 2004|11:47pm]

I'm new, and I don't think I'll be here long.

I was just wondering: how many of you have read Lost in the Cosmos?
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[24 Apr 2004|03:21pm]

[ mood | listless ]

I cut myself because that's pain that I can deal with, it's tangible, and bleeding is a damn good reason to be crying.

They don't realise what their words to do to me. They don't see me sitting in my room, slicing my leg until the blood from each cut mixes with the blood from every other cut. I can fix myself after I've cut, I can patch myself up and I know I'll eventually stop bleeding, and it'll stop hurting.. This other pain isn't like that.. It just keeps going and going. I don't want to hurt anymore. I thought I was better, but I'm not..

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[26 Dec 2003|02:13am]

The human ability to destroy yourself

The human desire to destroy others.

Which is more frightening?
Which would you choose.

Personally, i've never taken the right path.
1 comment|post comment

[05 Nov 2003|07:11pm]

[ mood | awful ]

Hi. I'm new.
I'm in Latin. It's the one thing I'm good at, and the one thing I truly, deeply enjoy doing. It's where I feel like I can do anything that's thrown at me, and I can make things better when I know they're not right.
Well, up until this point. If you asked any of my "friends" what my biggest problem is, they'd all say self-esteem. It takes me so long to build up any faith in anything I do-and even then, it's so hard to keep that faith going.
Earlier in the year, I took the Boston Latin Exam preliminary test, and I thought that, for once, I actually did pretty well, especially considering the amount of time I had to prepare for it-about three weeks or so. My teacher told us that the top 200 students would be notified of being in the top 200, and they would then go to Boston to take the final exam. So from the point I took the test(mid-September) to the day students recieve the results, I basically fried my own questions into my brain. Did I get this right? Did I get that right? Did I do well enough to get into the top 200. The last question really took me over, and I somehow convinced myself that yes, I had indeed done well enough to go to Boston.
Today was the notification deadline.
I didn't recieve any mail.
When I checked the mail, I started shaking my head. I ran upstairs and I tried not to think about it-but tears just started streaming down my face. I really thought that this time would be different, and that I would be better. But instead, I got slapped in the face with my own conscience. It made me feel like such a nothing-and the worst part is, I didn't think it would actually hurt to be rejected like this.
I've been rejected before, straight to my face, online, through handwritten letters, on the phone-but never when I actually wanted to be accepted. I don't even want to go to Boston University, and I never did. But the thought of having something to be proud of-it's so close I can taste it-and then being completely denied...it kills.
And of course, my parents and/or "friends" don't even care. If I IM someone with the smilie :'(, who cares? It's just me. I have basically 1 real friend, and she's not...here.
My life? Nonexistant.

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[11 Jul 2003|01:44pm]

[ mood | numb ]

Someone hating you is bad enough. What's really terrifying is realizing you hate the same things they do. Your whining. Your selfish behavior. Your laziness. Your insecurity, hidden by bad jokes and loud talking. It's almost too horrible to withstand. You want to be angry, defensive and right. You want to yell at them, explain yourself, turn things around. But in the end you're just too numb with self-loathing to do any of those things.

Depression's a bitch.

1 comment|post comment

[06 Jun 2003|05:26pm]

[ mood | moody ]

I'm so exhausted for him. For me. I want to take everything back and away; I want to give us a clean, white, new, potential-filled start. I can't. It's not up to me. It's out of my control. Completely.
Somehow I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault. It's not. But it's hard to know that most days.

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[09 May 2003|01:39am]

i have a way of screwing up the things that actually matter to me.

in highschool i received straight a's. i was the "oustanding author of the year" at the national honor society ceremony. i can bake a mean lemon bar.

when things become important, though, i fail. they become large and intimidating and i become sloppy. right now, for instance, i have finals and papers and they are vastly more important than they used to be, and i keep digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. when i realize what i've done i turn around to try to fix things but oops...it's still the same goddamned hole.
and i am hurting people and i can feel it, but i feel too rushed to put things together properly...
and i wonder how much longer i'll have the energy to even care...
3 comments|post comment

[07 May 2003|01:02pm]

[ mood | grumpy ]

Everyone who hates me doesn't even know me.
Fuck you. You could have at least tried. I did.

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[17 Apr 2003|01:38pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

He pisses me off so much. And because we are so much of each other, I am angered by myself. I see the stubborness, the spite, the childish refusal to say what really needs to be said and I find that I can't distinguish which one of us is the offender.
God dammit.

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[15 Apr 2003|10:12pm]

regarding the last post (that i made) here:

essentially lonely_rose, which features overlooked beauty, is a partner/sister community to this one. each are fine by their own rights, of course, but the recent "note from the admin" very well compliments my most recent post here. or, i should say, faceinthemist very well describes a useful guideline. (please mentally adjust for community e.g. "beautiful" = "suck" ;-) )

". . . This is not a place to say "hey, i did this today and it was beautiful" or "this was said to me and it was a beautiful moment". . . For the most part things that happen or are said to you are not universal enough to enrich the lives of the rest of us . . . Biographical information is not needed and detracts from it all... the more details we get that involve you the less we can put ourselves into the situation and appreciate it."
3 comments|post comment

[15 Apr 2003|03:39pm]

hi. i just wanted to make a really quick comment not in response to anything in particular. but vaguely in response to numerous posts as well as nothing relating to this.

this community is not a sadness community. nor is it a self-empowerment community. it's not a place to specifically document distress or sadness or general malaise. it's not a place to realize that you are a person with rights too.
the emphasis (sort of) of the community is on yourself.
while clearly a person is seldom completely isolated from other people (who therefore must enter the picture), please at least make it significantly obvious what it has to do with you.
art and writing and whatever, i feel, should be open to interpretation. but please just give the reader a little nudge in the right direction in this case.

a wonderful example of the combination of self and others is this post. i think, anyway.
another example, for non-members, is this post.
oh, and i just thought i'd mention this and this. good examples, i think. :D
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[15 Apr 2003|01:13pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

Dad said I have to wait to see a shrink. Just wait a while until the other bills are paid off. Wait. Hold off on happiness. Be patient. Sanity's coming eventually; you can live with that devestating, mind-crippling paranoia for a little while longer, right? Just for a couple more months. A little while longer. Just wait. Hold on, honey, help is coming. Later.
Too late, Daddy. I've already given up on you.

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[08 Apr 2003|11:03pm]

[ mood | lethargic ]

Him:*tapping me with remote*
Him:*tap tap*
Me:[feeble smile]
Him: I'm just trying to get you to do something besides "blugh!"
Me: [trying not to burst into tears]

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[07 Apr 2003|10:47pm]

[ mood | morose ]

I am small and lost and alone.
The one who can save me is the one I can't ask for help.

2 comments|post comment

[02 Apr 2003|07:16am]

I've often wondered what would happen to me if i got stranded somewhere w/out my meds, how long would i be off of em before i started to have adverse effects? Well, as it turns out it's only 3 days. There are three days between me and the lack of control of my own brain. It's sudden too... there's no gradual slide into the depths, just a sudden shock when i cant get out of bed and it takes all my energy to simply hang out w/ three of my most fav. people.

My brain is my own worst enemy... a ticking time bomb just waiting to destroy my life.
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[28 Mar 2003|02:14am]

everything i've done has been embarrassing and cheap.
and on and on i go.
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i hate people [27 Mar 2003|12:25pm]

[ mood | weird ]

Bregalad5 (6:49:30 PM): why do you hate it when jen comes by?
Bregalad5 (6:49:35 PM): she's just concerned about you
konstantine725 (6:49:36 PM): she doesnt go away
Bregalad5 (6:49:40 PM): she's just trying to be nice
konstantine725 (6:49:42 PM): why is she concerned about me?
konstantine725 (6:49:45 PM): theres nothing to worry about
konstantine725 (6:49:46 PM): im fine
Bregalad5 (6:49:48 PM): BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR RA
konstantine725 (6:49:50 PM): what does she know?
Bregalad5 (6:49:52 PM): NO, YOU'RE NOT FINE
konstantine725 (6:49:54 PM): yes i am
Bregalad5 (6:49:57 PM): she's trying to be nice
konstantine725 (6:50:02 PM): what does she know?
Bregalad5 (6:50:09 PM): i have no idea what she knos
Bregalad5 (6:50:10 PM): *knows
Bregalad5 (6:50:14 PM): how would i know...am i her?
konstantine725 (6:50:28 PM): well theres no way she should be concerned unless people are telling her things
Bregalad5 (6:50:41 PM): well- you did try to kill yourself last week
Bregalad5 (6:50:44 PM): didn't you?
Bregalad5 (6:50:49 PM): that's cause for concern
konstantine725 (6:50:55 PM): no. if i tried the rest of my pills would be gone
Bregalad5 (6:51:11 PM): well- you weren't going to, right? until mike called?
konstantine725 (6:51:25 PM): theres no reason to worry about me
konstantine725 (6:51:26 PM): i am fine
Bregalad5 (6:51:40 PM): do you realize that you have stressed me out so much that i can't write my paper?
Bregalad5 (6:52:03 PM): i am having so much trouble concentrating on everything because i'm so worried that when i go back to the dorm you'll be dead?
konstantine725 (6:52:04 PM): how the fuck have i stressed you out?
konstantine725 (6:52:18 PM): im alive
konstantine725 (6:52:21 PM): very much so
Bregalad5 (6:52:48 PM): yeah- but i can't even read you anymore...i have no clue what's going through your mind...i thought you were ok last week, but then you took all those pills
konstantine725 (6:53:05 PM): all those? 21 is not that many

i was going to take the rest of the pills i have. i have 2 months of effexor and 1 month of zyprexa and who knows what else. my boyfriend called after i had taken the 21 and was in the middle of my suicide note (something i was not going to leave, but then i realized i dont want my parents reading my notebooks, though they prolly will) and talked me out of it (basically by threatening to kill himself if i killed myself.).
this was last wednesday.

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forgetting [09 Mar 2003|05:32pm]

[ mood | moody ]

you know what? i don't make you feel small for loving me. i don't blame you, i don't feel disgust toward you and i don't get angry because of it. so i'd appreciate it if you didn't give me a hard time for having a depressed brain -something i can control just as much as you can your heart. it makes me feel hopeless and weak. i know what i do and i know that it hurts. but it hurts me just as much as it does you, if not more.

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[05 Mar 2003|04:11pm]

It seems like I destroy everything I touch now.

I used to be such a nice boy.

I guess that's what happens.
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[05 Mar 2003|11:26pm]

[ mood | discontent ]

i dont know why i'm joining, i just am. this is my second id, kinda like the mirror of my first. thats strange. the other is attemptedsanity if anyone is interested. seriously, this id causes a wave of darkness to wash over me, when ever i am on it, all the darker stuff comes up. not that thats always a bad thing, its just so strange. im revelling in it though. i've had the id for all of a day, and i switched between the two, and the change was remarkable. i wanna hook up with my kinky little peversion, a sweet girl really, but damn does she appeal to my darker side, but it isnt a good idea. i dont want it getting in the way of other things i have going on.
is it strange for me to enjoy this. is it odd for me to revel in the darkness, loving letting it flow out of me and in. does that make me a freak?

i dont think so.

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